Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of My… Oh Sh*t!

option3And so it begins.

I was born to teenage parents and raised in a small, blue collar town where the local technical college had more students than the nearby university.  A “career” was going to beauty school and doing hair or working at the paper mill.  The only kids I remember that went on to college were rich kids or teachers’ kids… but rarely the blue collar kids unless it was on a basketball scholarship. Needless to say, when the time came during high school to sit down with my counselor and address higher education, my parents didn’t exactly see the point.  Oh, I wanted to go to college, mind you… I wanted to go badly.  However, in my family, you graduated high school, got married, went to work and worked hard, made some babies and died.  That was what was expected so that is exactly what I did.  Well, all except the dying part.  So far.  But the day is young, right?

I waited a lot of tables.  God, I hated it… people are so damned weird, especially when their blood sugar is low… but I was good at it.  You can make a lot of money waiting tables in Los Angeles or Manahattan and it’s a noble profession, but in small town America you ain’t getting rich off of the quarters stacked three high under the side of some old farmer’s plate as he slaps you on the ass and winks saying “I left you a little somethin’, honey.”  Yeah, thanks, Elmer, now I can finally afford my boob job.

I’m not complaining.  I got by and I met some great people in the process.  In fact, I met a few people while waiting tables for a corporate retreat and they recruited me straight out of the restaurant and threw me blind and stupid into the world of sales.  Fuck I hated sales too!  I felt like a pushy, obnoxious pimp…but again, I was good at it.  I worked with a mentor who took a shine to me, forced corporate to drop their “College Degree Required” policy in order to promote me, and the rocket was launched…wheeee!  Little ol’ me with just my high school diploma had become a sales rockstar.  It was a major break and a huge opportunity for a kid like me from blue collar roots.

life_me-300x300 Life has a way of throwing curve balls at precisely the wrong time, doesn’t it?  I became pregnant with my son (who is totally worth it and quite possibly the most perfect child on the planet… if I didn’t know better I’d swear he poops diamonds and roses…) and the rocket was brought back down to earth, decommissioned, and sold for scrap.  Both the Ex Hubs and I were traveling for work and that just wasn’t gonna jive with our new bundle of awesomeness, so I did what was expected of me (again) and became a stay-at-home supermom while Ex Hubs escalated his career to near guru status.  I didn’t always love it, didn’t hate it, but let’s just say those sweet diaper commercials are, well, full of shit.  But I am damned good at it.

And then my marriage fell apart.  And the economy tanked.  And the job market changed.

And I was still me.  With my eensy weensy high school diploma and a resume that now led with seven years of making snacks, cleaning boogers out of noses, and dry macaroni art.  Employers should be aching to hire me and offer me a livable wage based on those credentials, right?

Yeah.  Right.

The first post I wrote here was Crossroads and Crunch Time.  At that point I thought that my crossroads were to turn right for happy life with man supporting the family or hang a left for another unexpected potential job offer that I would build into a bigger, better rocket than the last one.  Both of these roads wound up to be dead ends with the job being a mirage and the man being an unmarked cliff perched over a deadly river.  Seriously.  Don’t we pay people to put up warning signage anymore?  I’ve sat at this intersection for a long time now, wasting gas and getting flipped off by fellow drivers and there is just no way around it… the only answer is to pull a U turn and go back the way I came from.  This old girl is going back to school and I start today right after I finish stalling by writing this post.

There is a piece of me that resents my parents for being so… short sighted.

There is a part of me that is pissed off at the Ex Hubs for letting things fall apart.

There is a side of me that’s kicking myself for putting all of my eggs in his basket to start with.

But mostly I am just:

freaked. the. fuck. out. 

I don’t really recall what the road looked like to get out here but I hope on the way back it looks like this:

IMG_0710

You know, blue skies, no cliffs to fall down or bodies of water to drive off into and drown trapped in the car, destination obvious, a nice flat road with no traffic.

My fear is that the road looks more like this:

dangerous_roads

Or maybe like this:

russian-road-25a

Or God forbid… this:

32877,xcitefun-dangerous-road-1

If this road winds up even smacking of any of those I will be like this:

vintage-woman-crying

And my kids will do this:

1674601636

Which will make me become this:

4728501-senior-homeless-woman-with-too-much-makeup-screaming

And I’ll eventually turn into this:

zw94wPH

And it will all come to this:

1742

Holy crap… here goes nothin’… Jesus, take the frickin’ wheel already….

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27 thoughts on “Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of My… Oh Sh*t!

  1. “in small town America you ain’t getting rich off of the quarters stacked three high under the side of some old farmer’s plate as he slaps you on the ass and winks saying “I left you a little somethin’, honey.” Yeah, thanks, Elmer, now I can finally afford my boob job.”

    That’s one of the best lines in a post ever! I’m glad to hear you’re heading back to school. It’s never too late to start something new. Your awesomeness online can’t possibly be totally faked, so even if you’re only 1/3 as awesome in real life, you’ll be fine! I’d push that boy into baseball as a backup plan though. Lots of money to be made if he can go pro!

    • What’s funny is that that is absolutely true, only I don’t recall his name but Elmer seemed like a good name for an old farmer in overalls. I had legions of regulars and actually had a group that literally would tell me they left me a nice tip to add to the boob job fund… apparently I was a little light up top for their taste. And Robin Thicke is sexist? Puhleeeeze!
      Oh, and by the time that boy is old enough to hit the bigs I will have established a fine residence under a nearby bridge if I fall on my face…. mmmmm…pressure. Yummy!

  2. Well done you. Delighted you are changing direction. Brave move. Best of luck although you definitely don’t need it. If any of your work from what you are studying is half as good as you write, you will be top of the class.

  3. GO CORDELIA!! If you were studying advanced theoretical physics or Klingon literature you may have a genuine reason to be nervous – but Web Dev & Content Strategy? Gimme a break. You’ve already got it. Your copy is punchy, pacy and compelling – and your images (choice and placement) lift it up more. Trust me I spent years as a subeditor and consulting Comms to some major brands – you already have it, now you’re just gonna learn some very cool nuts and bolts. Excited to be here with you as you take the next step. Go Cordelia, Go Cordelia, Go, Go, Go.

  4. I hate to say it, but goddamn if you don’t remind me of….my mom! She had to do exactly what you’re doing now, and it was tough and absurd and seemingly pointless a lot of the time, but she came out the other side whole, healthy, and equipped to kick ass. Which she did.

    So. Go out there and kick some ass!

  5. YES! Congrats on having the strength and courage to go to school. It’s going to be a great experience, both for job prospects and for feeding your intellectual curiosity. And, very importantly, you are setting a fantastic example for your son. My husband is the son of a single mom who put herself through college on her own, post-divorce, when he was between 4 and 8 years old. It completely shaped who he is and taught him to value education above all else and to never let anyone tell him that anything is impossible — it was the best thing that she ever did for him.

  6. This was a hilarious post. I have often wondered why I didn’t, at some point, choose to leave the world as I knew it to become a certifiable bag lady! Good luck with school. I have found it useful to have more than one career, and then there is always writing 🙂

    • Right?! I admit to sitting at the stop light looking over at the shopping cart lady talking to herself as she pushes all her worldly possessions down the road and thinking “you know, losing touch with reality might be a nice change….” 😉

  7. Better now than never that you realize that only can take firm grasp of your life and do what you love. A lot of people never develop the balls to actually go after what they truly want. Little by little, you get where you need to be. If it was easy, everybody would do it. Only the hard shit that takes you out of your comfort zone will help you grow.

    • And sometimes life just lays it on the line and says “grow, bitch, or you’re screwed!” Life is a snarky ass whore bitch like that sometimes

      All I can surmise is that I have always done what was expected, even against my own wishes and wants, and it bit me in the ass in the ninth hour. Big ol’ lesson in there, yeah? But it will be OK…I REFUSE TO BE A CRAZY CAT LADY, DAMMIT!!! 😉 Heart you.

  8. Hey, congrats on deciding to go back to school! I was a curriculum advisor at CU Boulder for years and the “non-trad” students were the best. They were easy to work with and a total pleasure. Plus, it was so much easier for them. Compared to slaving away for minimum wage and tips, college is a breeze. Most wet behind the ears freshman don’t know how to manage time and simply work. No one can do that better than a mom.

  9. GO YOU! Congrats on the scary but pivotal decision that will no doubt take you down new roads…hopefully less muddy than the pics above. If it helps you at all, know that I am in the middle of a ‘freak the fuck out’ session in my life at this very moment. You’re not alone!

  10. If your blog is any indication, I have no doubt you will be awesome in college and beyond. John Stamos will be throwing himself at your feet, begging you to take him from all your awesomeness. If awesomness isn’t enough, there’s always those handcuffs…

    FWIW, Tina Turner showed Ike how to be a real star, dumping that fine example of a husband with $0.36 in her pocket. The divorce settlement left her with her name, debt for a canceled tour, an IRS lien, and custody of her son, their son, and Ike’s two sons. Let’s just say my Mom likes Tina…

    Way to go, Tina! Way to go, Mom! Way to go, Cordelia!

  11. Hilarious post! And congrats on your decision to go back to school! Something tells me you’ll be great and we’ll all get to enjoy the stories along the way! Thanks for stopping by my blog and for the like – so glad to have found yours!

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