I Killed Someone This Morning

Today started out like any other day.

Crawl out of comfortable bed, shove contacts into bleary eyeballs, put coffee in sad, aging face.

Pull crabby kid from bed, put in warm bath, deposit Eggo waffles into kid.

Throw now awake kid into vehicle, steer vehicle toward day camp narrowly avoiding speed trap, extract kid from car and zoom away.

Increase volume on radio, roll eyes at DJs interviewing girl who has chlamydia and is uncertain if it was contracted from a one night stand in Vegas or from fiancee that she cheated on in Vegas and if he is cheating on her, change station.

Say quick prayer of thanks that I live sexless like a nun.  (Note I did not say priest.  We all know what priests are up to.)

And that’s when it happened.

Never take your eyes off the road.  Never ever, ever, ever, people.  Even if it is to look up toward the heavens in gratitude for your lonely and neglected yet disease free vagina.

It happened in the blink of an eye.  Faster than I could do that Catholic gang sign thing they do when they make a cross or the letter Z, or whatever it is, on their chest.  I’m not Catholic.  That’s how thankful I was for my Sahara Desert sex life in that moment… I feigned temporary Catholicism.

If I’m not going to hell for that, I surely am for this next part.

As I rounded the bend of a rural backroad returning to suburbia, there he was… directly in front of the grill of my mid-sized SUV.

I panicked.  Slam on brakes?  No, car behind me riding my ass too closely.  (Next time buy me a drink before taking me from behind, jerk.)

Pulling hard right would land me in the ditch and pulling hard left would place me firmly in front of a black Cadillac Escalade driven by what appeared to be a very surly stay at home mom experiencing a bad morning.

He looked at me, standing frozen in the lane.  His big brown eyes wide, his chestnut colored hair on end, as he spread his arms out as if to say “No!  Stop!”

All I could do was close my eyes in horror as fate took over.

Oh my God, oh my God, OH. MY. GOD.  Did I hit him?!

Maybe I blacked out.  Maybe the human body mercifully numbs all of your senses so you don’t hear or feel devastating impacts like these.  I never felt or heard a thing… no thump against my tires, no screams of terror or crushing of bone as wheel pushed body into pavement.

By some miracle, I must have missed him.  Did I miss him?  I missed him!!

Oh wait.  Oh no.  No, no, no, no… NO!

Upon looking in my rearview mirror, my heart sunk, and my eyes immediately welled up with stinging tears.

Goodbye, Mr. Squirrel, please forgive me.  While I feel terrible for expediting the process of life and death because I was distracted with my withered up lady bits, I will find comfort knowing that you are eternally romping through that big nut-filled meadow in the sky.

Rest in peace, little nature nugget, you will be missed.




47 thoughts on “I Killed Someone This Morning

  1. My old 4×4 (that I no longer own) was a magnet for small animals everywhere. I’m sure they came to me to commit furry suicide beneath my wheels. And no, in that truck I never felt a thing except regret.

    • The regret is almost as bad as what I would imagine the sensation or sound of all those little bones being pulverized as he pushes out one last squeak….
      I’m glad you got rid of your death machine, Linda, as I am sure the wilderness in your area is as well!

  2. I thought it was going to be a real person! I am not all that bothered by the fact that it was a squirrel, because we used to eat the country squirrels shot out of the pecan trees for breakfast, and I really do like venison, so Bamby wouldn’t have bothered me either. I can certainly understand your anxiety tho. 🙂 I hate to run over animals. It is a rather gory demise.

  3. Oh no. Mind you I was supposing it was a dog so a squirrel is not quite as bad. If you feel bad read on. A very close friend of mine was going through a very bad separation. His wife was impossible. One day he is leaving having dropped off his children when he felt the car bump and the wheels run over something. He got out to look and there was a bichon frieze dog, his daughters beloved pet.
    Now as he is already on very dodgy ground with his wife and kids, he makes a quick decision. He bundles the dead, squashed dog into his car and drives away.
    Later he comforted his daughter and even took her out looking for it!

  4. I know we just met, but I suddenly love you so much! This was so riveting and, God forgive me, I am relieved it was a squirrel. I wad envisioning an old man in polyester pants.

  5. As I was reading for some reason I thought it was going to be a something cute; like a deer. I’m an animal lover..BUT oddly enough I was just telling my son & cousin; how deceiving squirrels can be! Cute as ever; but I’ve heard they can be mean IF you try to pet them. Which is something I won’t ever attempt to do..I’d be traumatized if I ran over one though. Brings back flashbacks of a time I “accidently” (it was dark I didn’t see IT until it was too late) ran over a cat. Ugh! Was driving and my bro was in the passenger seat..I said wtH was that?!? He said I think it was a cat..So I got all teary eyed and he promised me he’d go back(we were almost home by then..) & check to see if it was alright..Now, I don’t know if he just told me this part so I’d not continue to feel guilty or not..BUT he said the cat was gone when he got back to the spot. I’ll never know if that was the truth. I’ll never know if the cat was laying dead OR if he even went back. It did make me feel better though when he said it must’ve gotten up & walked away. Only had 8 lives left after that…

  6. Uggg, the worst. So sorry that happened, but great story. Can I say that? Sounds shitty. Hey great story about that squirrel you murdered? You know what I mean. I love your blog.

  7. I have no sympathy for squirrels. I wouldn’t want to be behind the wheel when it happened (because I would surely roll the car trying to avoid it) but those city rats aren’t in any danger of becoming extinct. I’m glad you are okay.

  8. I am sure I will be headed down the “nun” road soon, as in “ain’t gettin’ none”. hahaha I know you’re not supposed to swerve to avoid hitting vermin, but I too, feel bad when I hit the little critters. . . .I think of karma. Maybe that’s why I get all the douche bag boyfriends–careless killing of critters.

Go ahead... shoot.

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