All Twisted Roads Lead to Me… Apparently

ImageOk, I admit it.  This blog has been a struggle for me.  My dearly departed, beloved old blog was my baby and I was almost drowning in inspiration… writing every day was as easy and natural as breathing or lifting a beer bottle to my drooling mouth.

See?  Right there.  I totally lost my train of thought and stared at the flashing cursor for a solid three minutes, and it was totally taunting me with “in…ad…a…quate” punctuating each blink.

As I was sort of trying to say, I have been truly struggling with finding material, finding my voice, and even finding the time.  It seems if I’m not running over wildlife or being treated as subhuman by some dude that I just don’t have anything to say… for now.

Being addicted to all of your bright and shining word wrangling faces however means I’m still poking around here, constantly lurking in the shadows as I have been this morning.  Every now and then I wander over to my stats page… I’m not really sure why because I’m not especially stats driven (SACRE BLEU!)… and lo and behold what do my eyes find before me?

INSPIRATION.

What was it that I found so compelling that I was driven to hit “New Post” and begin clacking away?  The Search Engine terms that people have used and stumbled over this blog.

In other words.. ya’all are a bunch of perverts.

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Let me give you a brief rundown of the disturbing fabulous things people enter into search and wind up at my little train wreck of a blog…

#1- Hairy

Thirteen times this one word has led some apparently fuzz loving people to my blog.  The hell?  What on earth could you be hoping to glean information on with the word “hairy”??  This is then followed by…

#2- Hairy woman

Somewhere in the world someone has a sasquatch sex fantasy I’m guessing….I’ll even go out on a limb and propose that it’s that reader from Namibia, wherever that is.  Even more interesting is that this search engine term is followed by…

#3- Woman hairy nipples

Perhaps this search is being entered by girls plagued with lovely locks growing from their areola seeking styling advice?  I do know that Cheater’s ex-wife was known to sprout and pluck… I used to like to tease him about how he could not only enjoy breast play but also floss at the same time.  He never found that very funny.

#4- hairyyy hold ur breathhh

Say what?  I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know what this obviously teen person was attempting to find on the internet with that.

The list continues with various searches for hairy things like “big hairy girl”, “hairy chin”, “ladies hairy armpit”, “indian girls with hairy armpits”, “hairy female nipple”, “ok to be hairy in yoga class”, “porn hairy girl”, and “unshaven women”.  “Hairy ass females” is my personal favorite of the bunch.  Needless to say, the urgency to shave my legs today has vanished since there’s quite a market for me if I stop the practice altogether.

Man, you write one post about a hairy yogi and you’re branded for life.  Moving past the various forms of searches for all things teased, trimmed, and coiffed we come to…

#5- John Stamos greek god

Why yes.  Yes he is, very intelligent internet searcher.  And here’s a secret you’ll only find on Cordelia’s Roadtrip… he and I are getting married soon.  You ain’t gonna learn about that on TMZ so aren’t you glad you found me?  Shhhhhh…..

#6- Does Robin Thicke have a big dick

I suppose this person was looking for photographic evidence?  I can provide that, dear Google seeker of critical information… after all if it’s spelled out in mylar balloons it has to be true.

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Those with a fascination with gun violence seem to find me too, as the list includes such warm and fuzzy search terms as “suicide road trip”, “bad woman with gun”, “suicide gun cordelia”… my fingers are crossed that that last one isn’t supposed to be a hint.

And then there are the ones that…well… are so inexplicable that you really have to wonder how drunk the person was when they were surfing the Google.  My search engine gems also consist of things like “bad+boy+dress+clothes”, “happy fatgers day to sungle moters”, “girl road trip love mood”, “hairly ahh”, and “john stamos too close with olsen twins”.

In my opinion anyone who knows the Olsen twins is too close to the Olsen twins.  There.  Now when someone searches the term “john stamos too close with olsen twins” they won’t be disappointed.  What can I say, I’m codependent even anonymously over pixels.

My all time favorite mind boggling search engine term in my stats though has got to be this one… wait for it….wait… you ready?

“mullet longingly himself”

It’s true.  That’s in my blog’s search terms.  There’s no way I could make that up, people.  And it just begs the question: “what in the fuck were they searching for??”  All I know is that I’m fairly certain they didn’t find it here.

What about you guys?  Hit that stats button and share your most bizarre, concerning, or downright alarming search engine terms with us.

 At least then maybe I won’t feel like I’m the lone pervert magnet.

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